Dear Universe, quit conspiring against me. Capiche?

Here’s why:

2.75 hours ago: 9.15 am this morning

I’m running to the Path station. All groggy and wishing and hoping that I make my 10 o’clock meeting. I’m listening to Steven Tyler singing about some chick called Janie who has a gun and wants to shoot someone and I’m this close to embarking on a similar carnage of my own not with a gun because I don’t own one and DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE I CAN GET ONE! Instead I’m going to use my index finger and poke people in the eye. Because I’ve had the suckiest morning ever. Like ever.

3 hours ago: 9 am this morning

The oh-so-familiar iPhone ringtone wakes me up and I’m greeted with D’s pretty face on the caller id. As I barely manage to mumble a hello, she’s all, “Uh, you still sleeping? Why aren’t you at work already?”. I ask her the time, and she goes, “Umm.. 9 o’clock.” And then all I remember is scurrying out of bed, connecting my gazzillion portable devices to their respective chargers, all the while listening to D yell at me for something I still have no clue about, gulping down milk that expired like 20 years ago coz it tastes like horse piss, I hop into the shower.

5 hours ago: 7 am this morning

I’m in deep sleep and surprisingly not dreaming about getting shot by gangsters or cops (you’d be surprised how often I have dreams where I get killed). And deep down in my subconscious, I wonder why my alarm isn’t ringing. Because it’s a goddamn bitch when I get up before my alarm rings and realize that I could have slept for another half hour and then realize that I can’t fall asleep because the sunlight seeping through the blinds is at the perfect angle to keep my eyes from closing and turning the other way wouldn’t help because my brain’s already seen the light! It’s like a tiger that’s tasted blood for the first time ever or that saying about going black. You just can’t go back. But I rationalize the thought by telling myself that since I can’t feel any sunlight falling on my eyes, the sun hasn’t risen yet, and hence I have plenty of time before I need to get up!

13 hours ago: 11 pm last night

After an interesting conversation with KB about love, life and other random crap, I go to bed all pleased with myself for being all awesomely productive through the day and having grabbed Boost by its testicles and taming the shit out of it. And I’m all, “Wait! The sun rises sooner now. I need to sleep properly. I should probably wear my eye patch sleep thingy before I go to bed.” So that’s exactly what I did.

26 hours ago: 6.45 am yesterday

WHY DOESN’T THIS ALARM STOP SNOOZING! WHY WON’T IT JUST LET ME SLEEP IN PEACE. And then I do what any awesome guy would do in my place. I turn the alarm off. No. Not just the snooze. Because that’s not enough awesome. I UNLOCK MY PHONE, NAVIGATE TO THE CLOCK MENU, AND DELETE THE DAILY ALARM FROM MY PHONE.

And since I’m not much of a praying guy, I’m putting this out here. On the interwebs. Because the universe will OBVIOUSLY Facebook stalk me when it finds out all the negative energy I’ve let out in the span of 3 hours today, and it’ll be all, “Who is this dude that’s been trash talking me?” And when it finds my blog, it’ll come visit and read this post, feel sorry and do all sorts of universy magic to make my life better like banning snooze buttons from alarm clocks and those eye patch sleep thingies that keep the damn sunlight out of my eyes and mislead me into mistaking day for night.