I'll protect you from the drug cartel guys, RhiRhi

My buddy S tagged me on her blog to do this. She wanted a male perspective on the issues at hand. Now I’m no expert on women or women’s issues, but I promised her that I’d give it a go. So here I am. And after spending over 2 weeks trying to come up a suitable topic that I can do justice to, I gave up and resorted to asking RhiRhi for her thoughts. This is how the conversation went.

Me: RhiRhi, Indian men are such assholes.

RhiRhi: Umm.. aren’t you an Indian male too?

Me: Uh, yeah, but that’s not my point. Somebody posted this video on their Facebook status, and after watching it, I was all, “whaaa!?”. As much as I feel sorry for the poor chap for getting beaten by a hundred guys, honestly, he had it coming. The cardinal rule of life is, “YOU DON”T HIT A GIRL!” How hard is that to follow. I don’t get this whole alpha-male I-can-do-whatever-the-fuck-I-want-and-get-away-with-it bullshit.

RhiRhi: What the hell are you talking about?!

Me: Oh sorry. Back story. I need to write an article about a women’s development issue.

I show her the link and the topics that I can write on.

RhiRhi: Ooh! Relationship issues! You should totally write about that. Like cheating. What would you do if your girlfriend or wife cheated on you? Would you kill her?

Me: Huh!? Why would I kill her?

RhiRhi: Because that’s in your culture, right?

Me: NO! We don’t do that! Jeez! They’re right when they say that for Americans, the world starts and ends at America.

RhiRhi: THEY DO NOT SAY THAT! And I’m Mexican-American asshole.

Me: Don’t yell at me! I was just telling you about how men think that it’s okay to hit women and then when they’re getting the beating, they’re all bheegi billi and crying for their mommies.

RhiRhi: Bheegi whaaa?

Me: It means wet p… ahem… cat. That’s besides the point. I’m talking about insecure men with Mommy issues and the marking-their-territory whole evolutionary psychology stuff. I mean hitting a woman? Really? My lawyer friend says that people who hurt women should be castrated. And she’s a human rights lawyer. Imagine that! What would you do if a guy hit you, RhiRhi?

RhiRhi: Oooo.. I’d get all flirty and have him buy me drinks and maybe get his phone number and exchange naughty texts. Who knows what it leads to!

Me: Ugh.. hit you NOT hit ON you!

RhiRhi: Oh! If my man ever hit me or cheated on me, I’d cut his weiner off.

Me: You’re scaring me. Can we focus on the topic?

RhiRhi: Okay. Don’t write about Reproductive Rights or Hygiene and Healthcare or Female Infanticide & Sex Selective Abortions. Those are serious topics. That’s not your style. Try Relationship Issues or Workplace Inequality. You could be all funny about those things.

Me: Oh please. I’m a serious writer okay? If I write funny shit about these things, how will I ever get the Pulitzer?

RhiRhi: Oh honey! It’s too late for that. Have you ever read your blog? Blogging about poop and vomit does not make for serious writing.

Me: Screw you asshole. You don’t know shit. I’m a serious writer.

After going back and forth for over half an hour, I realized that she wasn’t going to be of much help. So I just decided to post our conversation on my blog. Sorry S, I tried. Happy International Women’s Day to all y’all beautiful ladies!

RhiRhi asked me to keep her identity a secret because of the bold and racy nature of my blog. She doesn’t want to get fired. But I think that she’s under the Witness Protection Program and doesn’t want the Mexican druglords to find her and kill her her. Because I’m that famous. You hear that Maa, I’m THAT POPULAR.