City Boy » Life

Letter to 16 year old Amortya

Amortya Ray — Sat, 20 Nov 2010 18:21:35 +0000

Dear 16-year-old-Amortya:

Hi!

First things first. The Backstreet Boys are so 1997. The Nick Carter middle-parted hairdo that you are going for is just not working. You have thick bushy, often curly hair. You cannot pull off the straight-silky-bouncy hair look. So stop trying already.

You cannot look like him

You turn 16 in a few hours. It’s probably a little too late to tell you study well for your class 10 exams. But thankfully, the nightmarish last 2 years of school are over. You’re in junior college now. It’s a clean slate for you. But yes, for the rest of your life, you will be embarrassed of your junior college. Over the next 10 years, you will have more than your fair share of screw ups. There will be times when you find yourself in a royal mess of epic proportions. And often the damage done will be irreparable. But there will also be several high points in the next 10 years. A few of those achievements are academic in nature. And that is not entirely a compliment.

As much as you hate it, you will move a few more times in the next couple of years. Thankfully, by now you’ve been immunized to the whole I-change-homes-every-6-months thing, so it won’t matter much. And in about 6 years, you will get live in the greatest city in the world. Look forward to that.

Friends. Ah, possibly the one thing you’ve done right. Well, almost. You will have friends that stay in touch no matter what. You will have friends that aren’t worth your while. You will have friends you reconnect with after an extended period of time and that would result in forging a bond stronger than before. You will have friends you will cut out of your life forever. And you will have friends whom you don’t see or speak to for years and when you eventually do, it’s like no time has passed. You pick up right where you left off. You will have friends who don’t care what zip code or time zone you live in. They love you all the same.

Family. Don’t be so angry at your parents. The decisions they made have always had a meaningful impact on your life. Even if you don’t see it that way right away. Be nicer to your sister. She’s the only one you have. And yes, she’s going to be mighty successful someday. So start working on building that brother-sister relationship the way it’s supposed to be.

When you are at a four-way intersection, stop at least a few feet away from the stop sign. This is possibly the sole reason you have items #9 and #10 on your Life List.

Drive carefully, especially if it's your Father's car

Now I cannot emphasize this enough, but not everyone gets your sarcasm-filled sense of humor. To some folks, you may come across as smart, sassy and cleverly funny. To others, you’re just a douche-canoe. And as it’s recently been brought to my attention, you can be really rude and mean. When you are mean, you tend to be vicious and just go for the kill. Remember, with great popularity comes great responsibility. Be wise, my younger self.

Lastly, be happy, be safe. And happy 16th birthday.

Best wishes,

26 year old Amortya

PS- In about 2 years you will get a phone call bearing some grave news: Sonali Bendre gets married. As tragic as that thought sounds, you need to be strong and pull yourself together.

Imminent nuptials and superstar lookalikes

Amortya Ray — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 20:13:52 +0000

Today my Mum was asked to be judge for a dance competition at the local Saraswati Pujo in Lokhandwala Complex, Bombay. And for some reason, she had been insisting all day that I accompany her to the event. And as much as I didn’t want to go, I decided to be a good son for once, and tag along. BIG MISTAKE!

Really? I don't think so!

It was only after I got to the ground that I realized the devious ways my Mum’s mind works in. Well, I shouldn’t have been surprised. She is after all MY mother! Mommy was totally pimping me out for all the eligible girls present there. Here’s how it worked. I was standing with my Dad on one side of the ground checking out the food stalls (obviously!). Ma goes about socializing and networking like she’s one of the girls from SATC. But truth be told, her hawk eyes were scouting for nubile, young women to pitch to me. And after she’s done with her recon mission, she calls me over and introduces me to her friends AND their daughters. She’s goes like, “Here is my son. Engineer. NRI. And doesn’t he look like Abhishek Bachchan?”. Obviously, she couldn’t tell me anything straight up, but one look in her eyes and I knew what her end game was. She’s cute na? She’s well educated, has a good job, comes from a good family and can cook! Why don’t you call her sometime? Of course, if she had it her way, she would have probably had me engaged then and there. Thankfully though, I managed to drag her by the hand away from all the madness. She was quiet, but her body language was yelling, “I AM NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN! AND I WANT THEM NOW! THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, EVEN IF I HAVE TO KNOCK YOUR ASS UNCONSCIOUS AND MAKE YOU TAKE THE GODDAMN PHERAS”

New Life, New Moon and New Year

Amortya Ray — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 04:47:35 +0000

A few hours ago I tried importing all the posts from my old Blogger blog (all 66 of them) into this one. And as I was painstakingly rearranging the newly imported posts, categories and tags, I realized that a majority of those articles were from a past life. A life that has long left me behind. A life I’ve tried hard to leave and only partially succeeded. And as I gave cursory reads to some of the posts, I kept going back to that place that I’m desperately trying to forget. And on an impulse to do something wild, I hit delete. JUST LIKE THAT. I clicked delete. BOOM! And did it make me feel better? I don’t know. I can’t tell yet.

I suddenly remembered a promise I made to a coworker to bestow on her pseudo Internet celebrity status. So Shonan, as you enjoy the delicious tiramisu from Hot & Crusty flanked by your birthday presents- the hunky Edward and Jacob, I hope that someday my blog hits superstardom and you shall thereby be immortalized in the annals of the Internets.

Shonan with Edward and Jacob

My New Year celebrations were surprisingly fabulous. After spending the last few hours of 2009 at my pal D’s apartment, I bounced to another house party where I barely knew more than 3 people. The roads were slushy. I wasn’t dressed appropriately enough for a party. And that last shot of patron was starting to kick in. Oh and not to mention, this was my FIRST EVER party that was busted by cops! Kinda lame, I know, since I’m like all of 25. But fuck you.

Yes! That's my buddy KB partying like a rockstar!

Choo choo!

Amortya Ray — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 15:55:16 +0000

The Path train that countless working professionals take to get into the city every morning

Sometimes when I miss my morning train into the city by a few seconds, my quant obsessed brain nearly goes completely anal trying to figure out how I could have made the train. Here are the top 10 reasons I feel could help me shave those few precious seconds off the 7.5 minute walk from my building to the train station.

Oh, and before I start, I should add that, typically, I snooze my alarm for an average of 30 minutes before actually crawling out of bed.

Oh God! I shouldn’t have snoozed the alarm again. It was supposed to be 2 more minutes. I closed my eyes and the next thing I know its 20 minutes later!
This obsessive, compulsive need to begin my day with email and facebook is going to get me fired one day!
Juju Chang is gorgeous!
Note to self: iron clothes on the previous night!
Okay, heating my lunch at 7 am is so retarded. I ain’t gonna eat it till noon. Its bound be an icicle by then!
Boxers or briefs, boots or dress shoes, black or brown, polish them or not, reuse socks or get fresh ones. Decisions decisions!
Ugh! I didn’t really need to shave today. The stubble wasn’t really noticeable!
Why the hell did I need to check my mailbox in the morning. Its not like my bills are going to vanish if I don’t check it. Though I wish they did!
Crap! Need to get a new metrocard today! Well, I had to get it any which ways, so this wasn’t going to help me save time in any case!

And my personal favorite:

Dude! Get a grip! Chivalry is dead! That girl doesn’t care that you smiled at her, wished her good morning, held the door open for her and told her to have a great day!

By the time I’m halfway through this list (which is precisely 2 and a half minutes later), the next train to the city charges in. Time to get to work folks!

A Bollywood Dream and Burn

Amortya Ray — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 19:09:12 +0000

So I’m on the phone with a buddy of mine and suddenly it occurs to me that if they were to make a movie on my life, I’d insist Ranbir Kapoor play my role. Why, you might ask? Because just like me, he’s good looking, well read and physically fit. My friend bursts out in a fit of laughter. And elaborately counters every claim of mine. She goes on to list 10 points as to how I am NOT good looking (“burritos with extra cheese, extra sour cream and extra guacamole resulted in the pudgy cheeks that I now oh-so-proudly flaunt“) that , NOT at all well read (“skimming through the Wikipedia pages of books does not constitute reading“). And the fact that I claim to be physically fit was the most ridiculous thing she’d heard in the longest time (“You take the elevator to the 3rd floor conference room. You work on the 4th floor you dork!“).

Now I’m not the kind to take an insult lying down. But here I was getting trash talked by a woman. So I did what I do best- bring out my smart alecky self and make a feeble attempt at redeeming any self respect I might still have after my argument was demolished point for point and my ego destroyed. And after a moment, I say that Kajol should play her in the film. And cheekily added that the only way she and I would get to star in the movie would be if she played the role of my mother or sister, since the rather obvious age gap between Ranbir and Kajol would make for a very awkward couple. Pleased with my acerbic wit, I grin with absolute glee. She responds, “Ok Morty, go ahead, be Ranbir. I’ll be Kajol. I’ll walk away with all the awards year after year. And you can spend the rest of your career compering those very same award shows”. Touché.